


115 days of observing iwaizumi hajime

by orphan_account



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: M/M, oikawa is a nerd, someone take away my computer, this may possibly be the best thing i've ever written in my life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-24
Updated: 2017-03-24
Packaged: 2018-10-09 22:51:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,032
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10423569
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Oikawa Tooru had never been so sure that Iwaizumi Hajime was, indeed, an alien. Mattsun feels no need to correct him.Alternate title: Oikawa calls Iwaizumi out on being an alien, Iwaizumi thinks Oikawa's found out that he's gay, and the misunderstandings are intenseAlternate Alternate title: Alien or Gay?





	

**Day 93 of Observing Iwaizumi Hajime:**

Oikawa Tooru pushed his thick glasses up the bridge of his nose, holding his phone between his cheek and his shoulder. “I’m telling you, Mattsun, he's definitely one of _them_.”

“Oikawa, please, it’s 2 AM. I don’t have the energy for this shit,” Matsukawa grunted, words slurred with exhaustion.

Oikawa chuckled borderline hysterically. “Listen, listen, listen--I’m serious. His most recent Facebook status practically CONFIRMS it.”

There was a shuffling noise from the phone, and Oikawa could only assume that Matsukawa had sat up to listen to him. “Alright, go. This better be good or I’m going to block you for a week.”

 Oikawa rummaged through the mess on his desk, which consisted of pictures of Iwaizumi, printed Facebook updates, and cups of coffee. He raised the most recently printed update.

“His most recent Facebook status says, and I quote, ‘the stars remind me of home.’” Oikawa slammed the piece of paper onto the surface of his littered desk. “HOW DOES THAT NOT CONFIRM THAT IWAIZUMI HAJIME IS AN ALIEN?”

“He _could_ just be an emo piece of shit,” Matsukawa muttered. “That doesn’t prove anything.”

“Now you’re just being willfully ignorant,” Oikawa snarled. He pounded his desk with his fist. “I don’t BELIEVE it. The facts are all staring at you in the face, Mattsun! It's people like you who make the discovery of the Third Sun so difficult!”

“Oikawa, just go to sleep,” Matsukawa said dully, and hung up.

The alien enthusiast chucked his phone behind him onto the bed. He pushed his feet off his desk to slide across the room to his whiteboard. _IWAIZUMI HAJIME IS AN ALIEN_ was scrawled messily in the middle of the board in red expo marker. Photos and evidence covered the surface. Oikawa shivered, and used a magnet to stick the Facebook update onto it, joining the conspiracy web.

“I’m going to figure you out, Iwaizumi,” Oikawa whispered, wrapping his arms around his knees. He began rocking back and forth. "Even if it’s the last thing I do.”

* * *

 

**Day 100 of Observing Iwaizumi Hajime:**

Matsukawa stared at the trembling mess sitting at Oikawa’s desk. “Let me guess. You stayed up all night, freaking out over Iwaizumi being an alien again.”

“I’m not freaking out! It’s TRUE!” Oikawa howled. “And you know what? To mark my one hundredth day of observing Iwaizumi Hajime, I’ve decided to…” He took in a deep breath. “Talk to him.”

“Go for it,” Matsukawa said simply.

“It’s just stressful, Mattsun. I really want to talk to him to confirm it… but I’m so nervous about making my first contact with an alien!” His eyes almost sparkled. Matsukawa sighed heavily.

“Just do it,” he said. “Do it. Don’t let your memes be memes. Just DO IT.”

Oikawa looked up at him. The shadows under his eyes were almost pitch black. “Really? Should I really directly approach an unidentified life form?”

Matsukawa smirked. “Yeah. And when you get rejected, maybe you'll finally get over this obsession.”

Oikawa glanced at Iwaizumi Hajime, sitting there at his seat, talking with his friends. He acted _just like_ the rest of them, perfectly human. Perfectly normal.He'd tricked everyone that he was one of them. His camouflage was nearly flawless. 

But not good enough to trick Oikawa.

“Fine,” he said tersely. “I’m going to go talk to him.”

Matsukawa watched him scamper away. “God damn, finally.”

Oikawa stood behind Iwaizumi and clenched his hands into fists to stop them from shaking.

“Iwaizumi Hajime?” he said loudly.

Iwaizumi turned his head. “Uh, hey, Oikawa.”

“I need to talk to you in private,” he announced. “Outside, in the hallway. Please."

Hanamaki jabbed Iwaizumi in his ribs, wiggling his eyebrows. Iwaizumi turned pink and shoved him away, muttering “Shut up,” under his breath. He looked up at Oikawa again. “Sure, dude, let’s talk.”

Energy buzzed in Oikawa’s body as he walked robotically to the hallway. Once outside, Oikawa checked the class door several times to make sure no one would open and interrupt this legendary interaction. Once that was confirmed, he turned around and faced the alien.

“I know what you are,” Oikawa said, deciding to rip off the figurative bandaid.

Iwaizumi’s raised an eyebrow. “Uh… what?”

“I said, _I know what you are_ ,” he said even slower. “I know that you’re… different.”   


Iwaizumi’s cheeks flushed. “What? What do you mean _different_?”

“It’s obvious so don’t feign ignorance,” Oikawa said. “You spend _way_ too much time looking at the boys in the locker room for someone normal. And with too much interest.” _I’d bet you’d just love to slice us open and look at our intestines._

“Hey, watch it,” Iwaizumi hissed, face incredibly red. “You can’t just shove your nose into my business with some goddamn prejudice. I can and _will_ beat the living shit out of you.”

Oikawa raised his hands, wincing. The last thing he wanted to do was insult an extra terrestrial. “I’m sorry, really. I didn’t mean to insult you. But, you do… admit you’re… different from us?”

Iwaizumi was silent for a minute and then sighed deeply. “And here I was, thinking I was being so inconspicuous… I’m glad you’re not being a huge dick about it.”

“Oh, I wouldn’t dream of being rude! I’m probably the most supportive person of your type at this school.” Oikawa grinned nervously. After all, no one else believed in the existence of aliens.

Yet.

“Are you? Really?” Iwaizumi said, raising his brow.

Oikawa wrung his hands nervously. “You could say… that for the longest time, I’ve always thought I was one of you. But I guess I’ve always been nervous about talking to it with other people. Whenever I bring it up with my mom, she just laughs and says it’s a phase… And my friends look at me weird when I bring it up.”

 It was true.  Oikawa had always thought that he was an alien ever since he'd been young. 

  _"I don't want to be friends with you,"_ Kuroo Tetsurou, his ex-friend from the second grade, had said.

  _"What? Why?_ "

  _"Because you always pretend that you're an alien... it gets weird after a while_."

 When he'd gone crying to his mother, he had only been told that he was going through an imaginative "phase" and that he "wasn't an alien." He'd been distant from his mother ever since.

Iwaizumi’s face softened. “Oh… Yeah, I know how that feels like. But hey, you can always talk about it with me.”

Oikawa’s eyes grew wide. “Really? Wow… That’s… Really? I can? That would make everything so much better, honestly. I’ve always had so many _questions_.”

“Sure. Gimme your phone and I’ll punch my number in it,” Iwaizumi said.

Oikawa thrust his phone forward, almost trembling with excitement. His first contact with the alien life for was a success.

* * *

 

**Day 111 of Observing Iwaizumi Hajime:**

Oikawa was too nervous to approach Iwaizumi again after their initial contact for a week and a half, although he almost died wanting to. Oikawa had texted him _so_ many questions that Oikawa was afraid Iwaizumi would get annoyed with him and block his number.

_Where are you from?_

_What do you dress like usually?_

_What is your conception of science from where you’re from?_

Texts which were replied to with

_i was born in miyagi_

_idk man sweats? they r comfy_

_dude i’ve been in your school since elementary school but i suk at bio_

Each text was printed out, laminated, and added to the whiteboard.

“He’s like a gift from heaven, Mattsun,” Oikawa gushed over the phone. “What an exemplary alien! He was bred on Earth, so maybe he’s supposed to understand our culture and report to his mother planet! Or maybe he’s even being raised to become an alien ambassador with our planet! God, Mattsun, I could be talking to the Third Sun’s future ambassador!”

Matsukawa raised an eyebrow but didn’t look up from his English homework. “Well, that’s fine, dude. Just don’t get too close, you never know when he might just be acting friendly so you’ll be easier for him to catch and experiment on. You know, slice you open like a frog.”

He chuckled to himself at his funny joke, not noticing how pale Oikawa had gotten.

* * *

 

**Day 111 of Observing Iwaizumi Hajime (part 2):**

The cafeteria was bustling. Oikawa stormed inside, a natural disaster on legs. People looked up as he passed by their tables, fury emitting off of his pores. This was the first time he’d come into the cafeteria all year, usually opting to eat in the classroom or the science labs. But Oikawa was _boiling_. He had put his TRUST in this alien, and he had been tricked.

If Matsukawa hadn’t told him about how Iwaizumi was probably manipulating him for his human body… Oikawa shuddered to think about what would happen. How _dare_ this alien life force betray him like this?

He slammed his hands onto the table Iwaizumi was sitting at with Hanamaki and Kyotani from the 2nd year.

“Oh, s’up, dude,” Iwaizumi said, taking a sip from his milk carton. “Are you gonna eat lunch with us?”

“You want to probe me, don’t you?” Oikawa screamed hysterically.

Iwaizumi spat out everything in his mouth, choking. The entire cafeteria went silent and like meerkats seeing a bug, every head in the cafeteria turned to look at them. Iwaizumi coughed violently, before bellowing, “WHAT?!”

“You want to explore every single inch of my body! That’s all you’ve been after all this time!” Oikawa shrieked. “I was so _stupid_! How could I have trusted something like you?!”

Iwaizumi stared at him, face red. Red with anger that Oikawa had figured him out, most likely. He whipped his head around, and looked mortified that Oikawa had exposed him in front of everyone. “What?! What the FUCK, dude?!”

No one dared to speak except for Hanamaki. The pink-haired boy was laughing so hard, spit flew from his mouth and he looked like he was having trouble breathing. Kyotani backed away, a disgusted look on his face at the entire situation.

“Don’t ‘dude’ me, you… you PHENOMENON!” Oikawa hollered. “You’re not going to have my body! You’re not!”

Iwaizumi stood up. “I don’t know what your damage is, but I swear to fucking god if you don’t shut up right now, I’m going to _kill you_.”

“THAT’S WHAT YOU’VE BEEN AFTER THIS WHOLE TIME! YOU SADISTIC ALIEN, ALL YOU WANT IS TO SEE ALL OF ME! YOU WANT ME TO BEND TO YOUR WILL AND DO EVERY SICK EXPERIMENT YOU CAN THINK OF!” Oikawa pushed Iwaizumi back and leapt onto the table so he could look down further on this alien. “Well guess what, resident from the Third Sun? The human race is not so pathetic that I would let you do whatever you want to me!”

He grabbed the milk carton Kyotani had and uplifted it on Iwaizumi’s head. Hanamaki looked like he was having an asthma attack as he fell off of the bench. Oikawa gave Iwaizumi the middle finger and screamed, “Long live the humans!”

The entire cafeteria just kept looking.

Iwaizumi slowly wiped the milk off his brow before grabbing Oikawa by his ankle and yanking it. As OIkawa toppled, a tan fist connected with his face. Iwaizumi was so red, it was almost not human. Oikawa wondered briefly if maybe red was the normal pigment for the people on Iwaizumi’s planet before he got punched in the face again.

* * *

 

**Day 112 of Observing Iwaizumi Hajime:**

Oikawa sat quietly at his desk, a bandage on his cheek. Matsukawa turned around, jerking his head to the empty desk near Hanamaki. “Iwaizumi’s not here today. What happened? I’ve heard so much shit on Facebook.”

Oikawa’s eyes welled with tears.

Matsukawa winced. “Oh boy.”

His friend put his face in his hands and began blubbering the entire story. As he reached the conclusion of the ordeal of Observing Iwaizumi Hajime, Matsukawa held up a hand to stop him.

“Stop. Just, stop talking.”

“Why? Are you going to tear up too?” Oikawa asked, hiccuping. His eyes were red. 

“No, I need you to stop talking because I think that’s the funniest thing I’ve ever heard in my life and I think you broke my funny fuse.” Matsukawa took in a deep breath. “Okay. I… Wow, where do I even begin explaining this? You’ve brought some funny situations I’ve had to explain to you before, dude, but this is a new level.”

Oikawa’s eyes went huge. “What? You know what’s happening?”

Matsukawa put his hands on Oikawa’s shoulders. “Oikawa, Iwaizumi Hajime is not an alien.”

“Then why would he have acted so strange?!”

“He is _gay_. And most likely for you.”

Neither of them moved for a few seconds. Oikawa blinked. “What?”

“He’s not an alien, he’s just a homosexual. And you give him a boner.”

Oikawa thought for a second, before burying his face in his hands and whispering, “That would make a lot more sense.”

* * *

 

**Day 115 of Observing Iwaizumi Hajime:**

Oikawa rapped his knuckles on Iwaizumi’s door.

“What, mom?” came the harsh reply.

He cleared his throats. “Uh… it’s… not your mom. It’s me, Iwaizumi.”

Silence greeted him. A wooden door had never emitted such a hostile aura before, Oikawa thought nervously. There was an even harsher reply of, “Get the _fuck out of my house,_ you freak.”

Oikawa winced. “Iwaizumi, I totally understand why you got so mad at me—”

The door flung open. Iwaizumi barreled out, seizing Oikawa by the front of his sweater vest and forcing him against his hallway’s wall. “NO FUCKING SHIT I GOT MAD AT YOU! You acted like you _totally supported_ that I was gay, and suddenly you start yelling about how I was going to rape your or some shit in the cafeteria? Do you know how scared I was when you came up to me and you _knew_? But I thought I could trust you! I thought I could finally start letting some people know about how I’m _different_ besides two of my friends but now—now everyone’s going to think I’m a _gay sex offender_ or something BECAUSE OF YOU!”

“No! No one is going to think that!” Oikawa said quickly. He was almost speechless by how disheveled Iwaizumi looked. His hair was tousled and looked greasy from being unwashed, and he hadn’t changed out of the school uniform even though he hadn’t come to school in four days.

Iwaizumi laughed bitterly. “How the fuck will they _not_ think that?”

Oikawa breathed in through his nose and whispered, “Because they all think I’m a crackpot who thinks you’re an alien instead.”

Iwaizumi’s brow creased. He opened his mouth, and then shut it. He choked out, “What?”

“When I asked you to talk to me before class two weeks ago, it wasn’t because I knew you liked it up the butt, it was because I thought you were an alien!” Oikawa wailed.

Iwaizumi lurched back. “Dude, are you fucking with me? THIS ISN’T SOME JOKE—”

“I DIDN’T KNOW YOU WERE LOOKING AT BOYS IN THE LOCKER ROOM BECAUSE YOU WANTED DICK, I THOUGHT YOU WERE ANALYZING THE HUMAN BODY!” Oikawa screeched. “I didn’t know you were in the drama club because you were gay, I thought it was so you could practice acting more like a human! And that goddamn Facebook post—I DIDN’T KNOW YOU WERE A QUEER EMO LOSER, I THOUGHT YOU WERE AN _ALIEN_!”

Iwaizumi gaped at him. “I’m… so confused.”

“Iwaizumi Hajime, I am _not_ interested in you at ALL because of your sexuality! Any interest I expressed in you was solely because my heart belongs to the alien race and I thought YOU WERE ONE OF THEM!” Oikawa finished, panting.

Iwaizumi blinked. “You… thought I was an alien?”

“An extraterrestrial from another planet, yes. Preferably from the Third Sun.” Oikawa’s face was grave. “I see I was greatly misconstrued.”

Iwaizumi shook his head slowly. “I don’t… I don’t understand.”

“Have you checked fucking Facebook?”

“No, I was too busy having back-to-back anxiety attacks.”

Oikawa pulled out his phone and handed it to him. “ _Look_.”

**Kunimi Akira:** looks like oikawa’s new alien subject was another hit and run

**Kindaichi Yuutaro:** ugh poor iwaizumi-san, this is just like when oikawa-senpai thought i was from planet turnip

**Watari Shinji:** please come back to school iwaizumi we’re sorry about oikawa

Iwaizumi kept staring at it. He handed Oikawa’s phone back and stared at him in the face. “You’re actually insane.”

Oikawa huffed. “I’ve been called worse.”

Iwaizumi let out a small laugh. And then another one. Soon he was bent over choking on laughter. Oikawa went red.

“Stop laughing! This isn’t that funny!”

He wiped a tear from his eye. “It actually is. It’s actually really fucking funny. So you don’t care that I’m gay… like at all?”

“No! _I’m_ gay and I don’t really care,” Oikawa said bluntly. “Sexuality is such a human construct—it’s ALIENS that are my passion!”

“Yeah, I—wait, what?” Iwaizumi flinched. “What did you say?”

“I said aliens are my passion!”

“Before that.”

“Sexuality is a human construct that’s arbitrary and useless?”

“Before…?”

“I’m gay and I don’t care?”

Iwaizumi stared at Oikawa again before nodding slowly. His cheeks went pink again. “Right. Right. I’ll go to school tomorrow… uh, Oikawa. I’ll see you then. Thanks for… being really weird.”

“No problem! Hey, does this mean we’re friends? Are we good now?” Oikawa asked, grinning.

Iwaizumi chuckled. “Sure. Sure, whatever. God, I feel so high right now.”

“Fantastic! Follow my blog Resident of the Third Sun on Tumblr!” Oikawa seized Iwaizumi’s hand. “I’ll see you tomorrow then, Iwa-chan! I’ll tell you all about the Third Sun! The world that lies beyond!”

He sprinted down the stairs and out of Iwaizumi’s house, jubilating at patching up _that_ situation. But this would mean a new Conspiracy web and a new alien suspect. He knew just _who_ he was going to look into next. That Yahaba from the second year had hair way too perfect to be from this planet.

Iwaizumi looked down at the hand Oikawa had shook. “Iwa-chan?” he repeated. “Huh. Weird dude.”

**Author's Note:**

> please leave a review. i'm so tired after writing this bullshit


End file.
